Grandparents can bring a special
dimension to children's lives -- as co-conspirators in mischief, as
teachers and as links to the past and a family's heritage
Prince Charles' moving tribute last
week to his late grandmother, Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother, resonates
with anyone who has ever loved a grandparent.
Ask 14-year-old Philip Lang of Toronto,
whose grandmother lives with him and his parents, what makes the
relationship so special and he'll tell you, "That's impossible to
answer. It's like asking, 'Why is the centre the centre?' It just
is."
John Henderson, a registered marriage
and family therapist (RMFT) who practises in Oakville and Mississauga,
Ont., says grandparents can provide a sense of meaning and heritage.
"My Nana was born before
cars," recalls Sarah Morrison, from Ivy, Ont., whose grandmother died
when she was 90 and Sarah 30. "She used to tell us about what that
was like."
From their late Greek-born grandfather,
Toronto brothers Anthony and Kosta Derbish, 13 and 11, learned to Greek
dance. "Remember the time we hid in the washroom?" one brother
laughingly recalls to the other. Once at a wedding, they were struck with
shyness, knowing their grandfather would insist they dance with him at the
front of the line -- and very speedily. So they hid in the men's washroom.
"Papou" found them, of course.
From their Ukrainian-born grandmother,
the Derbish boys continue to learn about "Babcha's" experience
as a wartime nurse and about Ukrainian traditions, art of all
nationalities and current events. "We talk about the war in
Afghanistan," says Kosta.
York University teacher Brian Crawford
remembers his grandmother recounting where she was on Armistice Day, at
the close of the First World War. She wove her stories into everyday life,
often telling them on the way to and from the barn to milk the cows.
According to Henderson, children take
great comfort in hearing from a grandparent about surviving war, poverty
or other cataclysmic events. It helps them see their own problems as
"survivable." Grandparents, in many cases, demonstrate for their
grandchildren a positive attitude to life. "Above all, she saw the
funny side of life," said Prince Charles of his grandmother.
Grandparents often have more freedom
than parents have, says London-based RMFT Richard Lyke. "The business
of parenting is different than grandparenting. Grandparents' job is to be
loving, more or less on a voluntary basis. If grandparents do not have the
custodial role, there is more opportunity for fun." Prince Charles
described his grandmother as "magical." Can we picture him
saying that about his mother?
Grandchildren's recollections
frequently involve a co-conspiring grandparent bending the rules -- cake
for breakfast, staying up till midnight. Even the Queen Mother reportedly
went on expeditions with her grandson Viscount Linley in cars, according
to a report in The Daily Telegraph, "of the kind not normally
associated with her." Sarah Morrison recalls, "If I saw liver
thawing in the sink for dinner, I'd tell Mom I was going to Nana's for
dinner. She'd cook my favourites."
"Grandparents," says RMFT
Heather McKechnie, who practises in Newmarket, Ont., "have had the
luxury of the passage of time: This gives them the wisdom to know what
things are not worth getting into a sweat about."
Crawford feels specially indulged by
his grandmother. "She learned her grandchildren's unique strengths
and fostered them. For me, it was stories and storytelling." His
grandmother encouraged his play acting and reading. Crawford teaches
schoolteachers now, and his career includes focusing on children's
literature.
Grandparenting relationships do not all
conform to a stereotype. There are grandparents who become de facto
parents of their grandchildren, temporarily or permanently. Other
grandparent relationships are disrupted by changes in family
circumstances. And many grandparents live at considerable distance from
their grandchildren. Yet even at a distance, says Lyke, recalling his own
grandfather, the relationships can be vital.
"I saw my grandfather maybe three
times a year. We would visit him on holidays. He made wonderful
contributions to my life. We would do things together, projects, he'd take
me fishing."
Even after they're gone, says McKechnie,
memories of grandparents can strengthen their grandchildren's emotional
lives. "Her stories were a legacy," says Crawford of his
grandmother. Adults clients have told McKechnie they feel the presence of
their late grandparents around them.
Memories of grandparents may even live
on in very noticeable ways. Philip Lang and the Derbish brothers are all
named after their grandfathers.
Morrison and her family live in her
grandmother's old house. Looking out her window, Morrison says, "I
can still see Nana walking up the road to our house every Sunday with two
desserts in her hands."
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