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Modern
vow:With this ring I thee rent
"Starter Marriages" a growing trend
Divorcing before age 30 is becoming so
routine experts have identified a new phenomenon: the "starter
marriage."
Such marriages last a few fleeting
years and end before children are born, says Pamela Paul, an editor at American
Demographics magazine who studies marriage. She found herself divorced at 28,
before she and her husband had celebrated their first wedding anniversary.
"I felt like it was something
completely inappropriate for someone my age, like I had arthritis or
glaucoma," said Ms. Paul, whose new book, The Starter Marriage and the
Future of Matrimony, analyzes the trend. "It's not supposed to happen to
you at that age -- no one expects it to happen at all."
Although starter marriages might sound
depressing, they do have advantages, Ms. Paul said. The fact many young people
are divorcing before starting families means children do not have to suffer.
Ms. Paul uses the analogy of a starter
home to explain the benefits of a starter marriage. Fixing up a house gives
homebuyers a much clearer idea of what to look for in their next home. A starter
marriage gives people a chance to learn important lessons about matrimony -- and
about themselves -- that can be applied to subsequent relationships. The
difference, she said, is that many people expect their starter home to be
temporary, while marriage is supposed to last forever.
Women in the United States typically
marry at 25, men at 27. In Canada, first-time newlyweds are slightly older:
Brides in 1998 were 27, grooms 29.
In both countries, at least 20% of
marriages end in divorce within five years. Some young people spend more time
planning weddings than they do married.
The starter marriage theory rings true
for Greg Chai, 33, who works for a Toronto-based investment company. Mr. Chai,
now on the cusp of his second marriage, was married for two years while he was
in his 20s. He finished university, started his career and fell in love.
Marriage seemed like the next step.
Mr. Chai wed in front of 200 people
and celebrated with a 13-course Chinese meal. He thought he would be married
forever, but agreed to a divorce when, he says, his wife made it clear she did
not want to work out their problems.
"I think I was too young at the
time," Mr. Chai recalled. "It wasn't a happy couple of years for me --
I went into a bit of a tailspin -- but now I look back and think it was great we
did get separated and divorced. You just learn more about yourself."
Mr. Chai looks back on his first
marriage as a learning opportunity. He says it taught him the value of
respecting his individuality rather than always following his wife's lead -- a
lesson he hopes to apply to his next marriage.
The theory of the starter marriage has
found critics. Some say labelling starter marriages as a trend diminishes the
idea of marriage as a permanent bond.
"The vast majority of Canadians,
when asked, still think that marriage is for a lifetime -- till death do them
part," said Robert Glossop, executive director of programs at the Vanier
Institute of the Family, a non-profit advocacy group based in Ottawa.
Ms. Paul said young adults who end up
in starter marriages had started up expecting to be wed forever, just as Mr.
Chai did. Members of this generation believe they have learned from their
parents' mistakes, Ms. Paul said.
Ms. Paul identifies other risk factors
as immaturity (Mr. Chai says that applied in his case), societal pressure to
marry and the impatient nature of contemporary culture.
Starter marriages might have
advantages, but Ms. Paul emphasized she is not advocating that people enter them
to gain experience. Rather, she hopes identifying the trend will help young
couples avoid making mistakes.
"It's discouraging on the one
hand for young people to look around and know that divorce is a significant
possibility for them," she admitted. "But I think that it's better
they know the reality than go into marriage with false expectations or
ideals." - by
Mary Vallis National
Post 2002
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