At this camp, nine-year-olds
learn how to ace a private-school interview, make witty dinner conversation
with Mom's boss and eat bacon with a fork
On a sunny, summer afternoon in a
corporate boardroom at the top of a downtown high rise, seven kids are
seated around the table in black leather chairs learning manners.
Instructor Susan Matheson, dressed in a
crisp, white suit jacket, shows them a photo of a dinner setting at the
Governor-General's home.
"What's the silver plate on the
bottom?" she asks.
"You just put all your bones on
that," says one of the children, a 10-year-old boy in a dress shirt and
khakis.
"Well," says Ms. Matheson,
"it's not exactly a platter for bones. It's a charger."
She goes on to explain that champagne is
also called bubbly, and demonstrates the lost art of eating soup, with the
spoon scooping away from you to catch the drips, and without leaning over
the bowl.
Who knew 9- to 13-year-olds were
interested in, or in fact needed to know, how to properly fold a napkin on
their lap, or eat bacon with a fork or make interesting dinner conversation?
But, clearly, Ms. Matheson is on to something. Her three-day etiquette camp
seems to have struck a chord with parents who believe that good manners and
proper etiquette will help their children succeed in our competitive
culture.
It's not boot camp for the badly behaved.
It is, rather, aimed at young kids whose
parents want them to shine at that private-school interview or at fancy
restaurants with mom and dad's friends or employers.
"A lot of the parents entertain a
lot and want their kids well-behaved," says Ms. Matheson. "They
want them to make a good impression for their family. And with so many
working moms and dads, there's just not enough time to address this kind of
stuff at home. They don't want the little time they do have with their kids
at home to be conflict-ridden and full of lecturing, so these classes are a
perfect chance to teach and reinforce these skills."
Ms. Matheson's company, The Image
Builders works predominantly with corporations and businesses, but after
several requests for something for kids, Ms. Matheson started offering
etiquette camps this summer. She's held two sessions so far, and plans to
hold another just before the holiday season in December. At $160 for three
afternoon sessions, many parents feel it's not a bad deal.
Back in the boardroom, the kids are about
to take a break from their lesson in how to butter bread and the dos and
don'ts of doggy bags when a girl in a black T-shirt blurts out: "What's
the point of all these utensils? Why don't you just use one? It's a waste of
water to wash so many."
Ms. Matheson replies, upbeat and patient:
"It's a tradition and a sign of opulence. What do all these utensils
do? They all have a different purpose."
While the kids get chips and juice boxes,
the questioner, Hallie Woo, 13, explains she came to etiquette camp because
she's "not too good at fancy restaurants." She says she has
"issues with etiquette," and when asked to elaborate, offers that
"sometimes I say stuff I don't mean and I come across as aggressive,
but I'm really just tired and I don't want to talk."
"I didn't really want to come to
etiquette camp," she adds. "But I have learned quite a bit."
Hallie says she's learned to be more careful with her behaviour because of
how easily people in other countries can be offended if you don't understand
their culture. For some Asian families, one of the appealing elements of the
class is having their children learn what is culturally appropriate in
Canada, such as learning to make eye contact, and the proper way to eat
without chopsticks.
Although Hallie was born in Canada, she
needed to learn proper dining etiquette. She says that was the other big
lesson of the week. She holds her hands up, making the letters D and B,
indicating she now knows which side of a formal dinner place setting is for
drinks and which is for the bread plate.
The learning curve for 9-year-old Liam
Kenny has been a bit different. He says he came to etiquette camp because
his dad wanted him to improve his manners.
"I learned how to set the table
better, and how not to be shy," he says. "When my mom's friend's
come over, it makes me uncomfortable. I feel grumpy and they pinch my
cheeks. Now, I know I should shake their hands and then I can go stand
beside my parents. I used to just run upstairs."
Clearly, he's taken a lot from his
experience. The day after the lesson in thank-you notes, he arrived with a
note for Ms. Matheson and instructor Denisa Nica. "Thank you for
showing me how to be polite," it reads. His mother said he did it all
on his own.
And lest you pity poor Liam, sitting
indoors while his buddies were out in the sun playing soccer or swimming,
etiquette camp was only one of a number of activities in the boy's long
summer day.
"My husband and I thought we should
send him because these are social skills he needs," says Linda Fong
Kenny, Liam's mother. "They allow him to talk to people and be
comfortable in any environment. I think it makes him a better person and
teaches him respect for others."
It turns out little Liam has learned more
than respect. According to his mom, he came home after the first day and
talked to her about helping out at home. "He made his bed the next
day," Ms. Fong Kenny says. "And I thought, 'Who is this kid?'
"
But they are just kids, after all. By the
end of the afternoon on the last day of camp, they are antsy. Some are
doodling, others popping holes in their juice boxes with their pens. They
may have learned how to use a fingerbowl, how to listen to an iPod while
appearing interested in the conversation, and how to text a best friend at
dinner without being rude, but they still know how to throw candy across the
table at their friends. Camp is over. -
2008 September 16 GLOBE
& MAIL
In China, Children of the Rich Learn
Class
SHANGHAI — Every
weekday this summer, Rose Lei drove her daughter, Angelina, 5, to a golf
complex at the edge of central Shanghai for a two-hour, $200 individual
lesson with a teaching pro from Scotland.
But now that the school year has started, little
Angelina will have to cut back on the golf, limiting herself to weekend
sessions at a local driving range. In addition to her demanding school
schedule, she will be attending private classes at FasTracKids, an
after-school academy for children as young as 4 that bills itself as a
junior M.B.A. program.
Ms. Lei, 35, a former information technology
expert and the wife of a prosperous newspaper advertising executive, is part
of a new generation of affluent parents here who are planning ways to cement
their children’s place in a fast-emerging elite.
A generation ago, when people still dressed in
monochromes and acquiring great wealth, never mind flaunting it, was
generally illegal, the route to success was to join the right Communist
Party youth organization or to attend one of the best universities.
Now the race starts early, with an emphasis not on
ideology but on the skills and experiences the children will need in the
elite life they are expected to lead. In addition to early golf training,
which has become wildly popular, affluent parents are enrolling their
children in everything from ballet and private music lessons, to classes in
horse riding, ice-skating, skiing and even polo.
The intense interest in lifestyle training speaks
not just to parents’ concern for their children’s futures but also to a
general sense of social insecurity among China’s newly rich.
“These people are rich economically but lacking
in basic manners, and they are not very fond of their own reputation,”
said Wang Lianyi, an expert in comparative cultural studies at the Chinese
Academy of Social Sciences, in Beijing. Of the 35 million Chinese who
traveled overseas last year, he said, many were shocked to discover that
they were often viewed as having bad manners.
To address that, some of the newly affluent, like
Ms. Lei, take their young children for extended stays overseas. London and
New York are popular choices, because the children can get a head start on
speaking Western-accented English.
Others are signing up for finishing schools
popping up in China, which promise to train youngsters how to become proper
ladies and gentlemen in the highest Western tradition.
The best known of these programs is run by a
bluntly spoken Japanese woman, June Yamada, who charges about $900 for a
two-week course that includes a brief stay at a five-star hotel here.
Teenagers must bathe before dinner, take afternoon tea, wear formal dress
and relearn how to walk, how to eat, how to dance and how to engage politely
with members of the opposite sex.
“I don’t just teach them what to do and what
not to do, I teach the girls how to be women, and the boys how to be men,”
said Ms. Yamada, a former fashion writer who wrote a popular book on manners
here. “We’re probably the most expensive school in Shanghai, but nobody
is complaining and they keep coming back, so we must be doing something
right.”
Ms. Yamada said she insisted that a parent attend
the classes with any student she accepted, “because if the parent is
spitting watermelon seeds or chicken bones right out of their mouth at home,
what is the use of all the fine things we are teaching?”
It is hard to say how many Chinese have the money
to lavish such attention on their children, but the limited number of
surveys that have been done and anecdotal evidence indicate that the number
is exploding.
Gao Ruxi of Shanghai Jiao Tong University
conducted research in 2003 that showed that 15.4 percent of the city’s 17
million people — about 2.6 million — were rich enough to own a house and
a vehicle.
Another report, from a Chinese research group
called Horizon, estimated that in 2003 there were 569,000 families or
individuals in Shanghai with liquid assets of at least $62,500.
FasTracKids, which started in Shanghai in 2004,
has since opened two more outlets here and another in Guangzhou, and it is
planning a fifth in Hangzhou.
The private program’s after-school sessions are
held in brightly decorated classrooms, where fewer than a dozen children,
typically 4 or 5 years old, are taught by as many as three teachers. The
program emphasizes scientific learning, problem solving and, most
attractively for many parents, assertiveness.
"Parents like myself are worrying about China
becoming a steadily more competitive society,” said Zhong Yu, 36, a
manufacturing supervisor whose wife is a senior accountant with an
international firm and whose 7-year-old son has been enrolled in the junior
M.B.A. classes. “Every day we see stories in the newspapers about
graduates unable to find good jobs. Education in China is already good in
the core subjects, but I want my son to have more creative thinking, because
basic knowledge isn’t sufficient anymore.”
Mr. Zhong said that for all of their high
salaries, he and his wife had very demanding jobs with little leisure time,
and the bottom line for them was “wanting our son to have a better life
than we have had.”
To some extent, the trend is driven by a collision
of rising affluence and China’s one-child policy, which forces parents to
focus all their energy and resources on a single child. But experts say
there is more at work, that it reflects fear of a new kind of rat race, in
which the entire society is hustling for advancement.
“At the top of the pyramid will be exceptionally
strong graduates from top American or European universities who become a
sort of ‘international freemen,’ ” said Qiu Huadong, an author and
editor who has written about the new elite. “They work several years in
China, and then they go abroad for a while, shifting locations every few
years. At the bottom of the pyramid will be those who didn’t get such an
outstanding education, and they’ll be sweating and bleeding for China and
globalization.”
Other experts say that for many others, the
grooming schools, study abroad and lessons in elite sports like golf and
polo are as much about a gnawing sense of social insecurity as they are
about getting ahead.
“Americans respect people who came from nothing
and made something of themselves, and they also respect rich people,” Mr.
Wang added. “In China, people generally don’t respect rich people,
because there is a strong feeling that they are lacking in ethics. These new
rich not only want money, they want people to respect them in the future.”
Indeed, some of the newly well-to-do have
broadened their quest for respectability, enlisting their children in
charity activities at the same time as they push them into classes aimed at
getting them ahead.
Shan Lei, 31, a homemaker and former investment
specialist whose husband is a shipping executive, said the family had
invested $100,000 in a golf-club membership and had introduced her daughter
to the sport, along with piano and skating lessons. They also manage to
squeeze in charity work with AIDS
orphans.
“Golf is played by the upper classes, but I want
her to recognize there is social diversity,” said Ms. Lei, who is not
related to Rose Lei. “I want her to care for others in the society.”
But there is little question that the driving
force for most parents is the challenge of succeeding in an increasingly
competitive society.
“My childhood was completely different from my
daughter’s,” Rose Lei said. “We didn’t have things like FasTracKids
or golfing, and that is why we want her to have those opportunities.”
Asked if she had other motives, like ensuring that her daughter joins the
ranks of China’s affluent class, she did not miss a beat. “Yes, this is
very important,” she said. - by Howard
French NEW
YORK TIMES
21 September 2006
Got the goods? How about good manners?
Another important piece to the career puzzle: which hand to hold the fork
in
I looked down at my spinach soup and
thought carefully about how I was going to consume it. "As a ship sails
out to sea, I spoon my soup away from me," I muttered under my breath
before digging in as unobtrusively as possible.
I do not usually make use of heroic
couplets to help me get through a bowl of soup, but this meal was different.
I was gathered with a group of 18
business students from Rotman School of Management at the University of
Toronto for a two-hour session with Louise Fox, an etiquette expert who was
there to teach us the ins and outs of formal business dinners.
Before heading out to my quick hit of
charm school, I had thought I had my table manners down pat. I knew to keep
my elbows off the table, to not talk with my mouth full and to avoid
ordering buffalo wings, lest I get caught with sauce all over my face.
I also believed that my high grade point average,
work experience and willingness to put in long hours would guarantee a
successful career.
Who knew that the Ps and Qs could be a career
booster or limiter, in this day and age?
What I learned from Ms. Fox is that there are many
dining etiquette rules I have never heard of. More importantly, learning
them just might give me the leg up I need to impress a boss over someone
else vying for the same position - or maybe, later on, hand me the advantage
in being considered for a promotion.
Employers "are looking for cutting-edge
differences," said Ms. Fox, who is trained in business etiquette and
international protocol and has 20 years of experience in the hospitality
industry. "People's expectations have risen in terms of how you're able
to present yourself, how well you're able to interact with clients,
customers, whatever your business might be."
Many students and young professionals focus on
their education, their experience and other considerations - but never
really think about how etiquette might affect their careers, she said.
"That's the mistake that they make."
Training and expertise are only a small part of a
person's financial success, she said.
The rest "will be dependent on your people
skills, your ability to communicate with people and make them feel
comfortable with you," she told the group of international students
gathered in the drawing room at the University of Toronto Faculty Club
before the dining etiquette session.
"This could be the one thing that could set
you apart from your competition ... that you are polished, that you are
confident, that you know how to dine and that your employer doesn't have to
worry about sending you out with some client," she said in an
interview.
Why are table manners such a deal-maker or
breaker? Ms. Fox, who owns Toronto-based Etiquette Ladies, said many
business transactions are completed over a meal.
So, if I spend the entire time reaching for
someone else's water glass or fumbling for butter on my bread roll, I will
appear distracted, my conversation skills will suffer and I won't be able to
present my best self to my boss.
"It's not rocket science," Ms. Fox said
of learning how to dine properly. "It just allows you to look more
polished, be more confident and to relax in a situation where you might
otherwise feel uncomfortable, lose your focus and not be able to answer the
question as brilliantly as you might because you're worrying about what fork
to use.
"You're never going to lose a job over the
wrong fork, but the aim is to make yourself feel comfortable."
I soon realized that achieving that level of
comfort would require a lot of practice.
Sitting across the table, Claire Shen didn't know
what to do with her rice. It was certainly not the first time she had seen a
plate of rice before moving from her native China to begin her MBA, but it
was the first time she had tried to eat it without chopsticks. As instructed
by Ms. Fox, we were to hold the fork in the left hand with the tines pointed
downward and the knife in the right hand in the Continental, or European,
style.
Ms. Fox came to the rescue and showed her how to
push rice onto the back of her fork with her knife, anchor it with a piece
of chicken and put it into her mouth without ever turning the fork around or
letting go of either utensil.
I thanked myself quietly for having chosen the
pasta dish and looked up from my plate, where I had spent the past three
minutes chasing a noodle around with my own newly acquired Continental-style
techniques, and joined my fellow diners in their gawking.
"I know," Ms. Fox said with an
understanding smile. "Everybody looks at me like: 'Are you crazy?'
"
"I'm going to need some extra lessons,"
sighed Yuri Hernandez Rodriguez, 27, another MBA student seated beside me. I
felt the same way. I had spent my entire life thinking it was perfectly fine
to switch my fork back and forth between my hands and was now wondering how
many people I had inadvertently turned off their meals - and me.
What I really needed to do was practice in a
casual atmosphere until these strange new techniques become habits. It felt
a little weird to practice my formal Continental-style dining on fish and
chips at the local pub after work but I'm already getting a little better at
it - and learning to ignore the chuckling of friends.
Some tips took only seconds to absorb and I
enjoyed sharing them with my peers. The napkin trick I showed a couple of
friends over brunch is a universal hit: when placing a cloth napkin on your
lap, keep it folded in half.
Having two layers gives the napkin some weight,
which helps prevent it from slipping onto the floor. It also provides a
concealed portion so you can wipe your fingers as often as you please
without ever showing any grease stains.
Ms. Hernandez Rodriguez had many questions about
awkward situations that can arise when you mix food with conversation: What
to do if your dinner partner has something stuck in his or her teeth?
Ms. Fox's answers involved doing what comes
naturally with respect and charm: Look him or her in the eyes and discreetly
point to your lips.
"You have to be charismatic and to be honest
to whatever setting that you are in," she said, adding that this was
one of the most important lessons she learned. "That will be your best
weapon."
Ms. Fox said knowing the rules of dining etiquette
helps you appear polished and confident so that, even if you do make the odd
error in protocol, you can gracefully draw your dinner partner's attention
away from the faux pas with good conversation.
"They won't even notice that you've used the
wrong fork."
WAITER, THERE'S A FAUX PAS IN MY SOUP
You have landed that all-important lunch meeting
with the boss or potential employer and are fantasizing about a promotion or
dream-job offer. You have just walked up to the table - now what? Here is a
guide to surviving a business meal from etiquette expert Louise Fox.
Pull the chair out with your left hand and enter
from its right side.
Business etiquette is gender-neutral so men should
let a woman seat herself. Otherwise your move might be misinterpreted as
sexist or even romantic.
Take a look at the kinds of utensils, glasses and
dishes that are on the table because they will tell you how many courses to
expect and what types of food you might encounter.
BMW will help you remember that your Bread
is on your left, your Meal in the centre and your Water is on
the right.
When it comes to silverware, the adage "work
your way through from the outside in" holds true.
If you get to choose your meal , stay away from
foods that are messy or difficult to eat, such as wings or quail.
"Don't challenge your wardrobe or your conversation," Ms. Fox
says.
As a guest, don't deal directly with the server.
If you need something, speak with the host and have him or her summon the
server.
The silent signal for the meal to begin is when
the host places the napkin on his or her lap. When that happens, take your
own napkin and place it folded in half on your own lap. This provides a
concealed portion where you can wipe your fingers without leaving visible
grease stains.
When the bread basket arrives, offer a roll to the
people on either side of you first before taking one for yourself and
placing it on your bread plate. Tear off one bite-sized piece at a time and
butter each piece without lifting it off your plate to avoid dropping crumbs
everywhere.
Spoon soup away from you so that when you bring it
back over the bowl toward your mouth the excess liquid drips back into the
bowl. If a piece of food is hanging off the edge of the spoon, remove it
with the edge of your bowl before lifting it to your mouth. Rest your spoon
on the right side of the plate beneath the bowl.
Pace your eating so that you do not finish your
food before everyone else, and take small bites so you can more easily take
part in the conversation. If someone asks you a question just after you have
taken a bite, put your finger up to indicate you will answer once you have
swallowed.
When you pause from eating, visualize the face of
a clock on your plate. The resting position for your fork is with the tip at
1 and the handle at 8. Place the knife's tip at 11 and the handle at 4.
Place your hands in your lap or rest your wrists on the edge of the table.
When you finish a course, place the fork and knife
side by side with the tips at 10 and the bottoms at 4 to let the server know
they can take your plate away.
As soon as possible, send a handwritten thank-you
note to your host.
Say what?
Here are some conversational ice breakers from
Louise Fox:
How did you come up with this idea?
What separates your company from the competition?
How did you get interested in your industry?
What advice would you give to someone starting out
in business?
What significant changes have you witnessed since
you started out in your field?
What keeps you up at night?
What do you enjoy most about your profession?
How has your year been?
What's been going on since I last saw you?
What have you found to be most effective in
promoting your business?
- Joanna
Smith GLOBE
& MAIL 2007 September 14
At a posh New York hotel, an etiquette expert teaches
kids about table manners, dessert spoons and other skills their parents
never taught them
"There's good news and bad news," says etiquette teacher Nicole
DeVault to 24 very young members of New York's upper crust. "The good
news is that we have chicken nuggets and french fries for lunch. The bad
news is that we have to eat them with a knife and fork."
The children look longingly at the food on their plates, as though
separated from it by an impenetrable glass dome. They're here in DeVault's
charge to learn about about dining etiquette. Though they may be the
children of privilege, they're not to their manners born.
The etiquette lesson is taking place at the Plaza, an almost mythical
hotel in midtown Manhattan. Designed back in 1907 to resemble an elegant
French château, this distinguished grey dowager sits at the edge of Central
Park and overlooks green-dappled trees, horse-drawn carriages and the
bustling designer shops of Fifth Avenue.
The Plaza has been the setting for such films as Breakfast at Tiffany's
and The Great Gatsby and is the fictional home of the bratty six-year-old
Eloise, heroine of a series of beloved books written by Kay Thompson and
illustrated by Hilary Knight. (The first three Eloise books have sold more
than 3.5 million copies; a fourth, Eloise Takes a Bawth, was released last
month.) In the books, Eloise lives in the Plaza's penthouse apartment,
delights in frolicking through the halls, creating elevator jams, ordering
room service and flooding the hotel when she takes a bath.
Although a life-sized portrait of the bristle-haired waif hangs in the
hotel lobby, smirking conspiratorially at observers, young guests on this
Saturday afternoon are learning how not to be like Eloise. Held every other
week, the classes are fully booked for three months in advance.
Beneath the twinkling chandeliers and gold garlanded ceilings, 24
Lilliputian aristocrats and their parents file quietly over thick Persian
carpets into the fittingly named Versailles Room. The room is lined with
large, turn-of-the-century oil paintings of lords and ladies engaged in idle
recreations. ("Are those pictures of heaven?" asks one young boy.)
Two white-jacketed waiters silently place silverware on the white linen
tablecloths. Strains of Vivaldi escape from behind velvet curtains.
At precisely five minutes before the start time, an attractive and
perfectly manicured woman walks to the front of the group with the aplomb of
someone who's been teaching etiquette classes for 15 years. Even the adults
check their posture. "Good afternoon, children, my name is Ms. DeVault,"
she says with perfect diction.
"I'll be your teacher today. You may take your seats now."
A few children run to the U-shaped table to sit by friends or a hundred
million miles away from the girls (Gross!) or the boys (Yuk!). Trying
to decide where to sit, a miniature Audrey Hepburn, missing a front tooth
and wearing a red-velvet ribbon in her long, chestnut hair, thoughtfully
twists a ringlet. Three boys with their arms slung over one another's
shoulders swagger past her to the end of the table, where they sit and begin
flicking each other with their fingers. Parents sit on satin-cushioned
chairs behind the table. (One mother with a sixth sense for media comes over
to tell me her son is a child model who enjoys print work.)
When the kids are settled, DeVault begins. "Is everyone happy
now?" she asks. "Yes!" the parents say, in chorus. The
children are silent.
These days, good manners seem to be as rare as nosegays and
handkerchiefs. "Now, before we begin, let's remove anything on the
table that isn't required for eating," DeVault says. "That
means purses, cellphones and keys." A boy turns his cellphone off
and puts it back on his belt.
DeVault asks, "Why don't we sling our purse over the back of our
chair?" " 'Cause someone'll steal it," says a hardened
seven-year-old in white turtleneck and navy blazer. "Yes,
possibly," DeVault concedes. "Or someone could brush it off your
chair and then trip over it. It's better to put it under your
chair."
DeVault asks,"What's the first thing we do?" The children look
at her blankly. "We put our napkin in our lap," she says
patiently. Everyone grabs for a napkin, and after a scuffle, it's discovered
that one girl doesn't have one. A waiter is sent off to fetch another.
But there's a napkin still on the table, two spots over , and DeVault has
spotted it.
"Lesson One," she says. "Take the napkin on your
left, otherwise you're taking your neighbour's." A waiter brings
around hot face cloths on a silver tray -- and the kids know exactly what to
do with them.
In 1922, Emily Post wrote Etiquette, an instruction manual for the middle
class on how to daintily claw one's way into the upper class. When it came
to children, Post believed "no young human being, any more than a dog,
has the least claim to attractiveness unless it is trained to manners and
obedience."
According to Dorothea Johnson, founder of the Protocol School of
Washington (where DeVault learned her trade), over the past few years, the
demand for children's etiquette courses has tripled in North America. Even
in today's supposedly classless society, good table manners are still highly
valued.
Etiquette classes at the Plaza, part of the Young Plaza Ambassadors
Program (www.plazaypa .com), are US$50 per 90-minute session, and free for
children who stay two or more nights at the hotel. More than 1,000 kids
from six to 16 have attended since the classes were first offered two years
ago.
"There are two things I want you to remember," DeVault says.
"No elbows on the table, and no licking our fingers. OK?"
"YEEESS," reply the children together.
"Yes, what?"
"Yes, Ms. DeVault."
Baskets of bread rolls are placed on the table, and DeVault tells the
children to offer them first to the person on their right before taking one
themselves. "Everyone got that?"
"Yeah," says a small sophisticate in fur trim, her black
patent-leather shoes swinging below the chair, "It's too easy."
Soon, tiny voices begin to chime, "May I?", "Please"
and "Thank you." A few knives and forks clink against the china
like an orchestra of flutes and cymbals warming up. A consommé that
looks a lot like chicken noodle soup is served. DeVault shows the
correct way to use a soup spoon and warns, "No slurping!"
"Uh-oh, I see elbows on the table!" Several pairs of small
arms are guiltily tucked back into their owners' sides.
Then the chicken nuggets and french fries are served. "This isn't
very healthy," whispers one girl to her mother, "it's full of
cholesterol." DeVault, meanwhile, standing at the front of the room,
demonstrates the civilized approach to spearing and tearing: Rather than
hold the knife dagger-style in her fist, she holds it between her thumb and
pointer finger. The children watch her with rapt attention, as if drawn
up for a bedtime story.
A future president of a hospital fundraising committee struggles with her
silverware. DeVault moves behind her and gently rests her hand on top
of the child's, like a ballet teacher positioning small feet at the barre.
"You can practise this at home with plastic utensils and Play-Doh,"
DeVault advises the parents, who nod wearily, mentally adding another item
to their to-do lists.
Suddenly, the study-hall concentration over silverware is shattered when
one of the boys burps. The room erupts into giggles. "Let's talk
about making embarrassing noises in public," says DeVault. "What
do we say?"
"Pee-Yew!" says one joker.
"No. What do we say?" DeVault repeats the question with
prosecutorial zeal. Exchanging a look with the joker's mother, she
approaches the boy as if he were an uncooperative witness. "Excuse
me," he replies, meekly.
Should children take lessons for something that ought to be taught at
home? And in our casual fast-food culture, are such skills even relevant?
These parents seem to think so. Having been raised in the permissive
1960s and '70s, and therefore a bit shaky themselves on some of the finer
points of table manners, few of them have the time or energy to instruct
their children in such matters. Now, in addition to the private schools and
ballet lessons, parents are willing to pay to have their children taught
these skills. And outsourcing such instruction leaves them free to spend
what little time they do have with their children relaxing. Moreover, many
kids have long since tuned out the frequency of their parents' voices, and
parents want to save whatever disciplinary chips they have for more
important moral issues.
But, in Dorothea Johnson's view, table manners are a moral issue. They're
based on respect and consideration of others, and people respond better to
those who have them.
Internalizing such values is liberating for children, she says. Once
proper manners are ingrained, kids are more confident because they don't
have to be self-conscious of the basics, such as which fork to use.
In the Versailles Room of the Plaza, the main course is finished, the
plates have been cleared, and three waiters are bringing in the pièce de résistance,
the payoff the kids have been counting on: sorbet in a cookie-crust tulip,
with fresh seasonal berries. Pre-empting any impulses toward
incivility, DeVault asks, "Who swirls their ice cream?"
"Eloise!" shout the children merrily. "And who chews with her
mouth open?"
"She does!" shouts one little miss zealously, pointing to the
girl beside her. De Vault, taking this opportunity to discuss the lack
of grace involved in tattling, says tactfully, "The best way to correct
someone's manners is to be a good example yourself -- and then they'll copy
you." To which the tattle-tale sullenly responds, "I don't like
copycats."
The children dig into their sorbet -- spoon in right hand, fork in left,
as instructed -- and silence softly falls on them like a security blanket. The
first boy to get down to the tulip cookie crust is pressing so hard on it
with his fork that his hand is shaking. Finally, it gives way, and a
large chunk flies into his neighbour's sorbet. The neighbour, a budding
legal scholar who knows all about property rights, refuses to give it back.
Soon the plates have only small puddles of passion fruit, raspberry and
mango sorbet left at the bottom. Tiny mouths are dabbed delicately,
napkins are folded neatly beside plates and the children get up from the
table. The parents radiate with pride. One little girl reminds her mother
that she'd promised to take her to FAO Schwarz, across the street, to look
at the toys.
DeVault beams as proudly as the parents. She has completed another
manners makeover: The children are ready to dine at the Plaza. Unlike
Eloise, however, they now know better than to order "three of
everything" or use their forks to comb their hair.
- Natalie MacLean Saturday
Post 30 November 2002
Dispute Resolution + Etiquette
Dealing
Well With Disagreement
Disagreement is part of life. A big part.
That is why it's so important to master the skills to disagree effectively.
Two caveats, whether you're disagreeing with your boss, a colleague or a
subordinate: First, pick your spots.
Deflection is the First Line of Defense
If you disagree in front of others, chances
are you will derail the interchange. Public criticism is the most
ineffective way to hold a conversation, much less change someone's mind or
behavior. When we are criticized in front of others, instead of listening,
we mentally build our defense.
So, should a dispute come on in public, deflect it whenever possible by
saying something like, "I'd like to think about that for a bit and
speak with you later. This really is not the best place for the
discussion."
Don't Let Your Tone of Voice Betray You
Second, learn this essential skill: Say, "It's raining
outside." It is likely that you can make that statement with little or
no emotion in your voice. That's the same tone of voice you need to employ
when speaking the lines in the previous paragraph. Otherwise, you will come
off as a bully or a whiner. It takes practice. It can be done.
Remember that our reactions to any situations will usually determine the
outcome. We instigate the reaction in others, and usually do so
subconsciously. Never forget your own power to communicate.
Here are some "Fair Fighting Tips" that should help you improve
and clarify your message when you find yourself in a confrontational
situation.
1. Use "I" Language
There is one word that, most assuredly, will
cause someone to become defensive. That word is "you".
Whenever we think we are being judged, our automatic, human reaction is
to become defensive. The moment we become defensive, communication stops.
The other person stops listening because they are building their defence
An "I" statement sounds like, "I've been doing this for so
long that I might not have been clear," instead of, "You
misunderstood what I was trying to say.".
2. No "Zinging"
Many of us think a little, friendly
"zing" is harmless. It's not. And it's not fair fighting. For
example, "Hey, I like your hair today. Did you wash it?" What
happens when someone zings us? We zing back, and so on and so on.
One of the leading indicators of underlying negativity or conflict within
a social structure or work environment is increased sarcasm. Perhaps you've
heard the phrase, "innocent, harmless sarcasm?" The word
"sarcasm" has its root in a Greek word that means "to rip and
tear flesh!" What is innocent or harmless about that?
3. Don't Chase Rabbits
In other words, stick to the topic at hand.
Generally, when someone chases rabbits, our initial reaction is confusion.
Confusion leads to impatience. Impatience leads to resentment.
In other words, by not sticking to the point, we can create a negative
emotional response in others.
4. Don't Interrupt
Mom was right! It's not only rude, but it
creates the opposite of what we often want to achieve. When we interrupt, we
generally think we will end or shorten the conversation.
In fact, the opposite is true. When any of us are interrupted, our first
reaction is to think, "They didn't hear me." Or, "They don't
understand."
And our automatic, human reaction is to begin to paraphrase and restate
ourselves, thereby lengthening the conversation. Let people say what they
need and want to say, fully. If you do that, and people continue to
paraphrase themselves, going on and on, then you should employ the next tip.
5. Restate What You Heard
It would sound something like, "If I've understood you correctly,
you feel the problem is thus-and-such, and I felt it was so-and-so. Is that
correct?"
If we have restated their message correctly, their reaction most often
will be, "Good! I have been understood."
Then you can move on to the next issue.
6. Ask Questions That Will Clarify, Not
Judge
Asking another human being questions is the
best way to understand them. It is how we ask them that makes the
difference. Whenever someone asks me, "Why?", I revert to five
years old and want to say (hands on hips), "Cuz!"
"Why" puts people on the defensive, and we know that
defensiveness stops conversation rather than fosters it. Use these
words - Who, What, When, Where and How - to begin questions.
7. Stay in Today, Not Yesterday
When we talk about the yesterdays, we tend to
bring up past conflicts or to point fingers. Blaming is a judgment. The
other person becomes defensive, and communication ends. If the past must be
discussed, refer to it; don't throw it up in anyone's face, like couples
tend to do in the heat of an argument. Talk about today, the present, and
the behavior you see. Talk about the future and the type of behavior you
would like to see.
These principles work. Just as with everything
else, we need to practice them for about a month before they become habit.
And while most likely they are merely reminders of what you already know,
ask yourself, "Do I practice them?"
As one of my favorite teachers said, "We all
know what to do. Successful, effective people do what they know."
- Mary
Mitchell
